How to Attend a Movie Theater Like a Pro
You arrive at the local mall or Cineplex on a Friday night a half hour before your show starts and fight to get that parking spot right next to the exits. Once you settle for a spot galaxies away from any entrance or exit, you enter the theater and wait in line to buy your ticket for the latest absurdly macho Michael Bay snooze-fest or awe-inspiring Russell Crowe-Ron Howard project. Once you've bartered your left hand to pay the price of admission, you head inside, debating whether or not to indulge in ridiculously over-priced concessions. There goes the right hand.
After buying a delectable mix of popcorn, M&M's and your drink of choice, you head for theater nine, the biggest theater in the place, carefully positioning your ticket in your hand so you can show the over-eager manager that you actually paid to see the movie. Since you arrived at an obsessively early time, you enter the theater to only see two or three people, and find the perfect seat: the row up a couple of stairs, in the middle of the row, where you can rest your feet on the little bars without disturbing the people in front of you. Then you dig into your "nutritious" movie theater cuisine. You eat a handful of popcorn and a couple of M&M's at the same time, making the perfect sweet and salty snack. By the time the theater is packed and the lights start to go down for the trailers, you have finished your popcorn and M&M's - no distractions during the movie. You save a little of your drink for when you get cottonmouth, caused by the jaw-dropped look you get at the absolute stupidity of the movie you're watching, especially if you went for the Michael Bay one. In rare cases, you may get the dropped-jaw look from how good the movie actually is.
As the lights fade for the trailers, you settle in, making sure you're prepared for the cinematic coma you're about to go into. When the trailers finish, and the theater fades to complete darkness, you forget about nagging relatives and upcoming deadlines at work and school, you put all your concentration on the movie. You even do your best to ignore the balding, smelly old man sitting two seats away from you.
After buying a delectable mix of popcorn, M&M's and your drink of choice, you head for theater nine, the biggest theater in the place, carefully positioning your ticket in your hand so you can show the over-eager manager that you actually paid to see the movie. Since you arrived at an obsessively early time, you enter the theater to only see two or three people, and find the perfect seat: the row up a couple of stairs, in the middle of the row, where you can rest your feet on the little bars without disturbing the people in front of you. Then you dig into your "nutritious" movie theater cuisine. You eat a handful of popcorn and a couple of M&M's at the same time, making the perfect sweet and salty snack. By the time the theater is packed and the lights start to go down for the trailers, you have finished your popcorn and M&M's - no distractions during the movie. You save a little of your drink for when you get cottonmouth, caused by the jaw-dropped look you get at the absolute stupidity of the movie you're watching, especially if you went for the Michael Bay one. In rare cases, you may get the dropped-jaw look from how good the movie actually is.
As the lights fade for the trailers, you settle in, making sure you're prepared for the cinematic coma you're about to go into. When the trailers finish, and the theater fades to complete darkness, you forget about nagging relatives and upcoming deadlines at work and school, you put all your concentration on the movie. You even do your best to ignore the balding, smelly old man sitting two seats away from you.
posted by Admin at 3:37 PM
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